It hurts when people say mean things. For me especially, it hurts when people say mean things about me or about other people. I have this innate emphatic nature that I guess is nice, but kind of annoying.
I wish I can stop the passing of mean and hurtful things. And I wish I know what to do when I am the one which vicious words are being directed to. I'm so eager on getting along with people that I don't say anything back.
There was an incident almost 10 years ago when my stepsister and I were hit by a motorcycle. As the drama unrolled, she claimed that I was the one who pulled her back - which is why both of us got hit, instead of me alone. If I hadn't done that, she could have crossed safely, supposedly. I guess then everyone assumed I was the dysfunctional one. The truth is, I can't remember what had happened. All I remember was us crossing, then I saw the motorcycle coming, I shouted at my stepsister, then I got hit and rolled on the ground.
When my brother heard my story, he was furious: 'Why didn't you tell everyone that? Why did you let Syira make you look bad?'
In all honesty, it is because I can't remember whether I did pull her back or not. At that moment, my heart was racing, my mind was blank - I could have died if the motorcycle did not swerved away, just because I was petrified.
Was I really supposed to say something? Both of us survived, and no one punished me or look at me differently. It was just words. However, I did changed and become defensive ever since then. Any single wrong thing uttered to my face, and I would rebut back. Which makes me seem annoying.
When people say mean things about you, what are you supposed to do? I guess it depends on the significance of the offense. Most of the time, I ignore and looked away. I let the scars wound and I avoid the person who said it until I was okay with him/her.
What if it was public though? In movies, it seems cool to take a bow and let the jerk look like a fool - but in real life, you have an audience that publicly laughs with the jerk but no one sees the hurt.
Which brings me to another pondering question: Is it okay, is it actually good and preferable to mock something factual about your friend? Like poking the person and saying "OMG, you're fat!" I always thought that in these situations people would usually come to the defense of the victim, but so many times do I witness the audience laughing along and encouraging the mean, spineless bastard.
Why?
Why?
Why do people not care or empathize? Is this fun?
It is a real wonder how bullies just never get old. Among adults, the bullies are even more senseless.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Being Fake
A friend of mine recently told me that I can be fake. On hindsight, that sounds like an awful thing to be. But maybe, the reason that I (and many other people) are being fake are for the benefit of other people.
Have you ever felt furious or so down, but at totally the wrong time? Like when you're at a party celebrating a happy occasion with your friends or something similar that doesn't really allow you to bawl out tears or punch the wall with a hard-hitting fist. What can you do?
1. Go out, and solve that problem. But what if you problem involves a member of the party? Do you start a cat fight right there and then or punch the person's face? Neither is an option for me.
2. Bathroom, to cool down. But you can't really stay in there until the coast is clear, can you? That might mean you have to wait till the party is finished.
3. Suck it up (Being fake). Which means having to ignore the wrath of emotional waves inside of you, put on a smile and try to go along with the party. It won't last long, and usually when it ends, your head cools down to the real reason for your anger or sorrow, and you are more likely to solve the problem without the influence of other little reasons that might make you so mad.
Imagine if I didn't try to hide my emotions: I might just ruin the mood of the party (not to say that I haven't done that before). What if my little frustration was just that: little and insignificant - but it was just hormones that amplified it?
Nevertheless, I guess that's not the only place you can be fake. I guess I can be fake when I talked to people I've met, can't remember and not really in the mood to be talking - but I do anyway. That's really faking it, I guess. But simply ignoring is simply more vicious: the person might feel like he/she had done something to make you turn your nose up when you see him.
Which is a characteristic I feel I see in people who think they are not fake: simply vicious.
The world revolves around how they think and feel at the moment. Maybe they take pride in being honest to themselves, and maybe even the fact that their actions compelled people around them to feel bad. I've met a few vicious people, lived with them and decided that maybe being fake is better. At least I don't give people around me the wrong impression, and there are less people I hurt.
Not that I've never been vicious. There have been those times, and those unknowing victims. But I really am trying to be fake (opposed to vicious) when the clouds turn gray in my life.
Maybe, just maybe, being fake is not such an awful thing.
Have you ever felt furious or so down, but at totally the wrong time? Like when you're at a party celebrating a happy occasion with your friends or something similar that doesn't really allow you to bawl out tears or punch the wall with a hard-hitting fist. What can you do?
1. Go out, and solve that problem. But what if you problem involves a member of the party? Do you start a cat fight right there and then or punch the person's face? Neither is an option for me.
2. Bathroom, to cool down. But you can't really stay in there until the coast is clear, can you? That might mean you have to wait till the party is finished.
3. Suck it up (Being fake). Which means having to ignore the wrath of emotional waves inside of you, put on a smile and try to go along with the party. It won't last long, and usually when it ends, your head cools down to the real reason for your anger or sorrow, and you are more likely to solve the problem without the influence of other little reasons that might make you so mad.
Imagine if I didn't try to hide my emotions: I might just ruin the mood of the party (not to say that I haven't done that before). What if my little frustration was just that: little and insignificant - but it was just hormones that amplified it?
Nevertheless, I guess that's not the only place you can be fake. I guess I can be fake when I talked to people I've met, can't remember and not really in the mood to be talking - but I do anyway. That's really faking it, I guess. But simply ignoring is simply more vicious: the person might feel like he/she had done something to make you turn your nose up when you see him.
Which is a characteristic I feel I see in people who think they are not fake: simply vicious.
The world revolves around how they think and feel at the moment. Maybe they take pride in being honest to themselves, and maybe even the fact that their actions compelled people around them to feel bad. I've met a few vicious people, lived with them and decided that maybe being fake is better. At least I don't give people around me the wrong impression, and there are less people I hurt.
Not that I've never been vicious. There have been those times, and those unknowing victims. But I really am trying to be fake (opposed to vicious) when the clouds turn gray in my life.
Maybe, just maybe, being fake is not such an awful thing.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder
If you regret the words you've spoken to me
In the limited time that we get to converse.
Because I do
I regret saying the hurtful things I said
or the lines of defense I put up
against what you have said.
No matter how hard I tried
The times I tell myself to be nicer
or to be more patient
I find myself lashing throats with you
Because of the accusations that you put on me
Or the things you blame I didn't do
Or just in the hopes of calming you -
Hurtful words just arise
And my tears fell
And my healing heart scars again
The cut twice as deep
The mind swirling with a headache:
Why are we on this roller coaster ride, again?
Sometimes I wonder,
something I am almost sure of
but yet scared to say out loud,
sometimes I do wonder
If you enjoy starting these stupid fights
If you're pleased with the screech in my voice rebelling against you
If you're glad that I am showing anger
even when it is inflicted to you.
Because you know what irritates me,
You, of all people would know,
that what you're saying is wounding my heart.
How can you
When all I've ever done in my entire life
is to keep you happy
Your happiness has always been the key goal in my life
So why are you jeopardizing mine?
If you regret the words you've spoken to me
In the limited time that we get to converse.
Because I do
I regret saying the hurtful things I said
or the lines of defense I put up
against what you have said.
No matter how hard I tried
The times I tell myself to be nicer
or to be more patient
I find myself lashing throats with you
Because of the accusations that you put on me
Or the things you blame I didn't do
Or just in the hopes of calming you -
Hurtful words just arise
And my tears fell
And my healing heart scars again
The cut twice as deep
The mind swirling with a headache:
Why are we on this roller coaster ride, again?
Sometimes I wonder,
something I am almost sure of
but yet scared to say out loud,
sometimes I do wonder
If you enjoy starting these stupid fights
If you're pleased with the screech in my voice rebelling against you
If you're glad that I am showing anger
even when it is inflicted to you.
Because you know what irritates me,
You, of all people would know,
that what you're saying is wounding my heart.
How can you
When all I've ever done in my entire life
is to keep you happy
Your happiness has always been the key goal in my life
So why are you jeopardizing mine?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Learning
The best way to learn in life is to let of your inhibitions and brace yourself for the ride of accepting new knowledge.
Sometimes it is easy, like when you're learning math and you stopped thinking about what the guy next to you is whispering about, but sometimes it is just really, really hard. Like forgetting about the thundering storm of frustration locked in your heart so that the relationship that you built so well can remain strong. Or to forget the searing words that cut deeper and deeper into your emotions. Sometimes it is just going along a monotonous journey, when anything you want to do is stop and turn back.
Just like I am wanting to do now. I just do not want to be in an empty room, trying to study. That is like the two most boring things combined together. It is a recipe for "let-me-go-watch-that-Tudors-episode-on-Netflix" and much much procrastination.
And it is also learning to bear the silence from the emptiness. And learn to appreciate silent beings. And learn the tragedy of their loss.
Sometimes it is easy, like when you're learning math and you stopped thinking about what the guy next to you is whispering about, but sometimes it is just really, really hard. Like forgetting about the thundering storm of frustration locked in your heart so that the relationship that you built so well can remain strong. Or to forget the searing words that cut deeper and deeper into your emotions. Sometimes it is just going along a monotonous journey, when anything you want to do is stop and turn back.
Just like I am wanting to do now. I just do not want to be in an empty room, trying to study. That is like the two most boring things combined together. It is a recipe for "let-me-go-watch-that-Tudors-episode-on-Netflix" and much much procrastination.
And it is also learning to bear the silence from the emptiness. And learn to appreciate silent beings. And learn the tragedy of their loss.
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