Alright, so maybe 'never' is a bit too harsh.
One of my biggest obstacles in within my family itself: my parents' divorce and post-drama that has continued relentless-ly for almost 20 years has made me distance myself from communicating openly with my family members. The number one reason why there is so much drama is that there is so much misunderstanding in our communication from one side to the other, or that they just won't budge to try and understand.
Hence, the reason why I find it so hard to open up to my own family. My little story would be passed on in different little twisted forms of perception and different judgments - which will result in some sort of negative, unfavorable things-that-I-have-said.
Enough with the negativity.
The point of me writing this is not to place blame (though I sort of did), but to actually admit that I am feeling regretful of the things I have not said. Because I did not open myself up, I missed out on them learning who I am, what I am like, what I like and what I don't. Maybe they know a few things (after all, we are family) but I lack this 'I-miss-my-family-bond', the 'I-am-homesick-feeling', the sisters moments, the sister-brother moments, the little things that makes a family.. family.
I wish I can be openly loving, publicly warm with my family. I wish I don't feel obligated or constrained when I call my sister. I wish I don't put a guard up when I talk to my dad. I wish I don't agree with everything my mum has to say to avoid arguing with her. I wish I can be there for my brother's wedding. I really feel sorry that I'm going to miss it, and worse, my heart is too cowardly to say it to him in a vulnerable sisterly-brother scenario.
Why am I such a coward, one might wonder? Because they talk. I feel like my every movement and word is scrutinized and I can't let my feelings out like that if I know someone will throw a tomato at those fragile emotions. I just can't.
But how I wish, I deeply honestly wish, I could.
